Tag Archives: love quest

Will not go down without a fight!

29 Nov

I can recognize the absurdity of this, but bear with me.

I’ve been giving this a lot of thought, because that is what people say when they are thinking about doing something for way too long without actually doing it.  I’ve been thinking about creating a separate blog to share with you guys the erotic story I started writing with Pilot Guy.  My purpose?  I want to make sense of what happened.  I want the world to read the story and to comment about it.  I want you guys to put in your own two cents.  I want to expose the connection that we made, and if in the process he finds out about it, I hope that he will see it too.

I still want this guy, hence the absurdity of it all.  What happened with Pilot Guy is still doing things to my heart, and it’s only fair that  he hears about it.  In my fantasy, he finds out about the blog, and decides to talk to me.  The result of that, I don’t want to imagine.  I am aware of my use of the word “fantasy.”  I know this is a long shot, but I won’t let it go just yet, cause this is a story worth continuing.

All I need from you guys is that you visit my new blog, read it, and comment.  Share the story with others and help me get as many people reading as possible.  However, the contents of that blog are pretty graphic and sexually explicit.  If you have any qualms about reading an intimate erotic exchange, do not visit the new blog. (I’m talking to you, my only friend who knows my identity and follows this blog.)

So, without further ado, I present to you:  Mercedes and Jack

Because being with him was like nothing I ever felt before.


The queen of first dates, the mistress of desertion

28 Oct

Lately I’ve been reading some of my old posts, and I realize that there are some stories that I’ve left untold.  Let me right that wrong swiftly so that I can get to the bigger issue:  why the fuck am I being deserted by every single man I date?

So, I’ve told you guys about Coffin Island Guy, he’s the one I met while on a group date.  After we met, I invited him on a day trip with some friends to the small Coffin Island off the southern coast.  We had the greatest of times on this paradise island.  After that, we had one or two more dates and all of a sudden, he started ignoring my texts.  He later said he was concerned that I was getting too attached and that he was only interested in casual dating.  It made me uncomfortable that he had assumed that.  I was having fun with him but didn’t want a serious relationship at the time.  We agreed that neither of us wanted a relationship, but we enjoyed each others company, so we kept it a casual relationship.

Then one fine day, Coffin Island Guy dropped a bomb on me.  He had decided to get serious with another girl he’d been casually dating too.  There could be “friend dates” with me, but no more “sex dates.”  This really hit me hard.  I knew I never wanted a serious relationship with him cause he’s eight years younger than me and wants to have kids, which I don’t.  Still, it hurt not to be the “chosen one.”  This thing about having someone choose me over others, having someone saying he can’t live without me, started to really bug me and made me feel so low and undesirable.  I realized I wanted to try out that relationship thing after all.  I wanted to start looking for someone that would choose me over all others.

Coffin Island Guy’s girlfriend phase lasted a week, and we got back to our comfortable routine of staying over, having diner, and sex.  However, I knew this comeback wouldn’t last so I decided to create and online dating profile.  The first guy was Six Kids Guy.  For our second date we had a bottle of wine, great music, and good conversation on his balcony.  We had sex and got hooked on sexting too.  After two weeks, he told me his ex-girlfriend had asked him for a second chance and he’d said yes.  Once again, some other girl was chosen over me.  It made me feel even more undesirable to be passed on in favor of a girl he had already broken up with once.

Football Guy was the next one.  We clicked online and, after two failed attempts to meet, he invited me for diner at his place.  We had the sweetest of dates.  He made lasagna, and I brought tiramisu.  We lounged on his couch while he explained to me the rules of football, cause it’s not a popular game on my island.  We made out, and it was sweet.  I didn’t want to have sex on the first date, but after a while, I just caved in.  The week after, we made plans to go out, but he “fell asleep and couldn’t call me.”  I texted saying that that excuse wasn’t enough for me, and that it showed I wasn’t important enough.  He never texted back.  It hurts to not know who or what was chosen over being with me.

Then came Air Controller Guy.  He texted daily, sometimes more than once a day.  He said his only interest was a friendship, to have someone to hang out with.  I felt so tired of trying to get something serious going, I agreed to go out with him as friends only.  We had brunch, and it was nice and comfortable.  Conversation flowed and we had a lot of laughs.  This was a month ago.  I have heard from him maybe twice.  Can it get worse?  Even when the interest is only friendship, I get the boot.

Finally, I met Pilot Guy.  I can’t even recount his story.  It’s a fresh wound of which I have written three posts already.  Every logic in the world tells me that he has already not chosen me.  However, I still have hope that at the end of this month, like he said, he will contact me and we’ll talk.  This is the guy I want.  Everyone else pales in comparison.  No one else will do, but my experience tells me that I won’t be his choice either.

Oh, and Coffin Island Guy?  I think he’s in love with another girl, and we haven’t seen each other in a month.

Guys chart

These are my pathetic stats.

I can’t help but share Silvio with you guys

23 Oct

Oh, dear deity!  How is it that this Cuban singer can sing what’s in my heart?  The words are not his, the writer’s name is Noel Nicola, but I am partial to Silvio and his interpretation of the song.

Es más, te perdono
by Noel Nicola, sung by Silvio Rodríguez, translated by yours truly

I forgive you for the bunch of words
you have whispered in my ears
since I’ve known you.
I forgive you for your photos and your cats,
your diners out,
the beers and cigars.  Even more,
I forgive you for the way you walk,
your shoes made of clouds,
your teeth and your hair.
I forgive you your hundreds of reasons,
for the thousand problems.
Finally, I forgive you for not loving me.
What I won’t forgive you
is you kissing me with such treachery.
I have witnesses:  a dog, the dawn, and the cold.
That, I really won’t forgive,
because if I do, I will surely forget it too.

I am in such an unforgiving mood tonight…

The breakthrough that took me months to communicate

7 Jun

savasanaWhoa, guys!  Who would’ve known that keeping up with this blog while trying to keep my life together during these past months would be impossible.  It felt like a speeding train going off the tracks.  The thing is that it is still going on.  Cliffs notes are like this: I changed jobs and worked for three weeks when I suddenly had to leave and go back to my old job, which I lost back in April.  Koothrapali/Sheldon Guy vanished from the face of the earth.  I met Yogi Guy, who is 10 years younger than me.  Had a great time with him, but no sparks.  He is gone too.  Smoker Guy made an appearance, of which there is nothing to say.  I had a fall out with a close friend that hasn’t been resolved yet.

In the midst of all of this, I made a discovery that I was itching to share with you guys.  It came to me while meditating on savasana at the end of a yoga class.  I was considering my interaction with Koothrapali/Sheldon Guy, how I had told him that I did not want to be in a relationship, and how I felt about it.  More to the point, I was considering if I really felt like I didn’t need romantic love in my life right now.

Thinking of what one wants and what one needs, takes a lot of honest introspection.  I realized that I had been saying for quite some time that I wanted a romantic relationship, but that I really didn’t need it.  So, what did I want?  What did I need?  I certainly was in a quest for something.  That is what I told you guys.  That is the mission statement of this blog, right?

So, here is my discovery:  it turns out that I really didn’t need anything.  All the love that I was waiting for Dear Universe to drop on my doorstep, I had within me.  I thought about all the people in my life that love me so much for exactly who I am.  The thing is not that I have gained their love.  They can be here today and gone tomorrow.  The important thing is that I have the ability of gaining people’s love, and I can do it just by being me.  This can be replicated time and time again.  You see, I am missing nothing if I have this.

It may seem like a silly thing to come up with after a strenuous yoga session.  You guys must think that my savasana lasted like an hour.  Maybe this knowledge that I stumbled upon was common knowledge, but for me, it was a breakthrough.  It changed a lot of how I feel about myself.  It also changed a lot of how I interact with people now.  It has liberated me of expectations that were not real.

There you have it.  I did release Dear Universe of her responsibility of finding me a man.  I don’t feel like I would be good in a relationship right now, but that is material for an upcoming post.  I do, however, enjoy company, sex, and intimacy, which don’t necessarily have to come in the shape of a boyfriend.  For now, I’m getting it from Coffin Island Guy, a 29 year old cubby whose story I’ll share with you guys some other day.

cubby n me

Don’t we look cute?!!!

The non-date date, or end of year reflection

31 Dec

So, the other day I met a guy. He had posted a message on a site I visit often, asking if anyone was up for a drink on Friday night, and I answered. It wasn’t a date, it was just two strangers meeting for a drink at a bar.

Right away I liked him very much. He was cute, polite, nice, funny, dorky, and cool at the same time, but this was not a date.

We talked, and laughed, and drank mojitos and beer, and a moscato and vodka cocktail that he taught the bartender. I was having such a good time, I could not believe it, but this was not a date.

I don’t remember what time it was when he decided to pay the bill while I was in the restroom, but after he paid, he invited me to take a walk up to the beach that was right around the corner. This was still not a date.

We sat on the sand, and it started raining. I took out my umbrella and we huddled under it. I leaned my head on his shoulder while we talked, and talked, and laughed, but still this was not a date.

After a while, we walked up to a playground nearby and sat on a bench. We talked some more until I felt that my bladder was about to burst and so I had to go home. We had met at 6 pm, and it was now 1 am.

So what happened next? The usual, he didn’t call or text the next day. I texted him on Sunday, inviting him to see a very impressive cave called Cueva Ventana. He said he had to work but didn’t offer another alternative.

This is the last day of the year. I’m sitting in a dark movie theater, about to watch Anna Karenina, and trying really hard not to reflect on this past year. I feel like it’s been so full of rejection, of inexplicable behavior from men, and in summary, a lot of heartache.

I know I don’t got my sh!t together yet, but I’m pretty sure most people don’t either

7 Nov

Sometimes I feel like these guys, wrestling an anaconda in a very theatrical way for no reason whatsoever.

Being so busy lately and going through a writer’s block have made me think harder about my plan and my objectives.  I’m still trying to approach this search for love as a scientific pursuit, even though I’m more of a right-brainer.  So when the opportunity to interact with a new guy presented itself, I was ready to distance myself from the events and study my interactions the way they did on that show Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom.

I met Necessary Roughness Guy at a restaurant’s karaoke night.  He approached my friend with a silly question about the glass of sangría she was holding, then he hung around me and we struck up a conversation.  We danced, talked about silly stuff, exchanged numbers, and closed down the place at the end of the night.

My impression of him was that he was kinda meh, but he kept texting and calling, so I decided to go out with him again five days later.  While we talked, I tried to imagine myself jumping his bones, but couldn’t quite picture it.  However, I found that he had a very important quality that I need in a man:  he wasn’t full of shit.  He talked straight, and I liked it very much.  I’m so tired of men playing games and not really saying what they actually think that this was refreshing.

I was still not sure of how much interest I had in pursuing this, so I tried to keep it light.  I practiced a lot of restraint and was actually very proud of myself for maintaining control of the situation at all times.  It seemed like I was learning something.

There was so much progress made be me in such a short amount of time that I was very impressed.  I didn’t let his calls, or lack thereof, to affect my mood during the day.  I was thinking about what I really want and trying to decide if this guy really deserved a chance to get to know me.

Then Friday came.  I had already made plans for a girl’s night out.  He asked me if he could see me that night, and I said no.  It was my girls’ night, no boys allowed.  As luck would have it, he ended up with his boys, at the same place.  That’s when it got weird for me.

He saw me and we talked, but he made no attempt to spend time with me.  He said he was with his boss, and that he was “working.”  I actually didn’t mind, cause I really didn’t need to be with him, but then I saw him several times talking to other girls, which was not “working” in my mind.  He also kept walking by my table to go to the bar, which was out of the way, and he would just bump into me or lightly touch me and hurried by again.

I think he was trying to make a point, cause I said I didn’t want to see him that night.  The thing is that I wanted to assert my independence.  I will not let myself fall again in the trap of depending too much on a man’s whim.  What I see as unnecessary is the need to play a game.  Why did he have to resort to playing games with me?  Wasn’t he a straight talker?  Couldn’t he just simply say what he thought?  Or Am I expecting too much?

After that, we haven’t talked.  It’s been three days.  He called yesterday, and I couldn’t answer.  I really am at a loss.  Can someone please explain?

Oh, to have someone sing this to me!

16 Oct

Live performance of Ojalá by local rock band Fiel a la Vega, 1997.

Written by Silvio Rodríguez, Cuban singer/song writer.  Dedicated to Emilia, the ghost of a long lost love (a bit of the poetry gets lost in the translation, but they still are beautiful words).


May the leaves never touch your body as they fall,
so that they don’t turn into glass
May the rain stop being a miracle that drips down your body,
May the moon come out even without you,
May the earth never kiss your steps

May you lose the steady glance, the exact word, the perfect smile,
May something happen that will suddenly erase you:
a blinding light, a shot of snow,
May death at least take me, so that I don’t see you so much,
so that I don’t see you always, in every second, in every vision.
May I never be able to touch you, not even in songs.

May the aurora not send screams that land on my back,
May your name be forgotten by that voice,
May the walls not hold the noise of your tired steps,
May the desire leave after you,
with your old government of corpses and flowers.

May you lose the steady glance, the exact word, the perfect smile,
May something happen that will suddenly erase you:
a blinding light, a shot of snow,
May death at least take me, so that I don’t see you so much,
so that I don’t see you always, in every second, in every vision.
May I never be able to touch you, not even in songs.

Some day someone will feel that way about me.

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