Tag Archives: friendship

The queen of first dates, the mistress of desertion

28 Oct

Lately I’ve been reading some of my old posts, and I realize that there are some stories that I’ve left untold.  Let me right that wrong swiftly so that I can get to the bigger issue:  why the fuck am I being deserted by every single man I date?

So, I’ve told you guys about Coffin Island Guy, he’s the one I met while on a group date.  After we met, I invited him on a day trip with some friends to the small Coffin Island off the southern coast.  We had the greatest of times on this paradise island.  After that, we had one or two more dates and all of a sudden, he started ignoring my texts.  He later said he was concerned that I was getting too attached and that he was only interested in casual dating.  It made me uncomfortable that he had assumed that.  I was having fun with him but didn’t want a serious relationship at the time.  We agreed that neither of us wanted a relationship, but we enjoyed each others company, so we kept it a casual relationship.

Then one fine day, Coffin Island Guy dropped a bomb on me.  He had decided to get serious with another girl he’d been casually dating too.  There could be “friend dates” with me, but no more “sex dates.”  This really hit me hard.  I knew I never wanted a serious relationship with him cause he’s eight years younger than me and wants to have kids, which I don’t.  Still, it hurt not to be the “chosen one.”  This thing about having someone choose me over others, having someone saying he can’t live without me, started to really bug me and made me feel so low and undesirable.  I realized I wanted to try out that relationship thing after all.  I wanted to start looking for someone that would choose me over all others.

Coffin Island Guy’s girlfriend phase lasted a week, and we got back to our comfortable routine of staying over, having diner, and sex.  However, I knew this comeback wouldn’t last so I decided to create and online dating profile.  The first guy was Six Kids Guy.  For our second date we had a bottle of wine, great music, and good conversation on his balcony.  We had sex and got hooked on sexting too.  After two weeks, he told me his ex-girlfriend had asked him for a second chance and he’d said yes.  Once again, some other girl was chosen over me.  It made me feel even more undesirable to be passed on in favor of a girl he had already broken up with once.

Football Guy was the next one.  We clicked online and, after two failed attempts to meet, he invited me for diner at his place.  We had the sweetest of dates.  He made lasagna, and I brought tiramisu.  We lounged on his couch while he explained to me the rules of football, cause it’s not a popular game on my island.  We made out, and it was sweet.  I didn’t want to have sex on the first date, but after a while, I just caved in.  The week after, we made plans to go out, but he “fell asleep and couldn’t call me.”  I texted saying that that excuse wasn’t enough for me, and that it showed I wasn’t important enough.  He never texted back.  It hurts to not know who or what was chosen over being with me.

Then came Air Controller Guy.  He texted daily, sometimes more than once a day.  He said his only interest was a friendship, to have someone to hang out with.  I felt so tired of trying to get something serious going, I agreed to go out with him as friends only.  We had brunch, and it was nice and comfortable.  Conversation flowed and we had a lot of laughs.  This was a month ago.  I have heard from him maybe twice.  Can it get worse?  Even when the interest is only friendship, I get the boot.

Finally, I met Pilot Guy.  I can’t even recount his story.  It’s a fresh wound of which I have written three posts already.  Every logic in the world tells me that he has already not chosen me.  However, I still have hope that at the end of this month, like he said, he will contact me and we’ll talk.  This is the guy I want.  Everyone else pales in comparison.  No one else will do, but my experience tells me that I won’t be his choice either.

Oh, and Coffin Island Guy?  I think he’s in love with another girl, and we haven’t seen each other in a month.

Guys chart

These are my pathetic stats.

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The breakthrough that took me months to communicate

7 Jun

savasanaWhoa, guys!  Who would’ve known that keeping up with this blog while trying to keep my life together during these past months would be impossible.  It felt like a speeding train going off the tracks.  The thing is that it is still going on.  Cliffs notes are like this: I changed jobs and worked for three weeks when I suddenly had to leave and go back to my old job, which I lost back in April.  Koothrapali/Sheldon Guy vanished from the face of the earth.  I met Yogi Guy, who is 10 years younger than me.  Had a great time with him, but no sparks.  He is gone too.  Smoker Guy made an appearance, of which there is nothing to say.  I had a fall out with a close friend that hasn’t been resolved yet.

In the midst of all of this, I made a discovery that I was itching to share with you guys.  It came to me while meditating on savasana at the end of a yoga class.  I was considering my interaction with Koothrapali/Sheldon Guy, how I had told him that I did not want to be in a relationship, and how I felt about it.  More to the point, I was considering if I really felt like I didn’t need romantic love in my life right now.

Thinking of what one wants and what one needs, takes a lot of honest introspection.  I realized that I had been saying for quite some time that I wanted a romantic relationship, but that I really didn’t need it.  So, what did I want?  What did I need?  I certainly was in a quest for something.  That is what I told you guys.  That is the mission statement of this blog, right?

So, here is my discovery:  it turns out that I really didn’t need anything.  All the love that I was waiting for Dear Universe to drop on my doorstep, I had within me.  I thought about all the people in my life that love me so much for exactly who I am.  The thing is not that I have gained their love.  They can be here today and gone tomorrow.  The important thing is that I have the ability of gaining people’s love, and I can do it just by being me.  This can be replicated time and time again.  You see, I am missing nothing if I have this.

It may seem like a silly thing to come up with after a strenuous yoga session.  You guys must think that my savasana lasted like an hour.  Maybe this knowledge that I stumbled upon was common knowledge, but for me, it was a breakthrough.  It changed a lot of how I feel about myself.  It also changed a lot of how I interact with people now.  It has liberated me of expectations that were not real.

There you have it.  I did release Dear Universe of her responsibility of finding me a man.  I don’t feel like I would be good in a relationship right now, but that is material for an upcoming post.  I do, however, enjoy company, sex, and intimacy, which don’t necessarily have to come in the shape of a boyfriend.  For now, I’m getting it from Coffin Island Guy, a 29 year old cubby whose story I’ll share with you guys some other day.

cubby n me

Don’t we look cute?!!!

The one where I gave my number to a 21 year old

27 Nov

One of my best friends got married last weekend.  I went to the wedding, got wine happy, danced till I dropped, met two different guys and flirted with a 21 year old cubby from the groom’s family.  It was the best wedding ever!!!

At first I was kind of debating if I should go or not cause I didn’t know a lot of people in the wedding and I didn’t have a date, but there was no way I could not be there for my friend.  She’s one of those friends that you stop seeing for several months but then one calls the other and it’s as if not a day has gone by.  Also, she has been there for me in every milestone of my life, so I had to be there to celebrate with her.

I decided to invite a girlfriend from work with whom I have gone out before and every time we have had a great time.  Even before the reception started, we were approached by two guys, Salt & Peppa Guy and Fuchsia Tie Guy.  They were nice, witty and ready to party.  All of a sudden, Fuchsia Tie Guy’s wife joined us.  No problem, all five of us danced the night away, all together making a very lively and happy group.

I didn’t even think it weird when Fuchsia Tie Guy asked me for my number in front of his wife, he was being friendly, you know.  Well, they left kind of early and my friend and I stayed with Salt & Peppa Guy.  He kept saying that he needed to leave, but we were actually the last to leave the room.  Before we left, I received a text from Fuchsia Tie Guy:  “thanks for giving me the opportunity of meeting you.”

WHAAAAAAAT?!!!!!

How did I get it wrong?!!!  How did he get it so wrong?!!!  I felt insulted.  What did he think of me?  Did his wife know about the text?  Were they considering me for a possible threesome?  My answer was:  “Sure!  It was a pleasure to meet you guys.  You’re a super cool couple.”  That’s where that died.

I know you’re wondering about the cubby.  Here it goes:  going out of the ball room, I found my friend talking to this very young guy, who seemed a little tipsy.  She introduced him to Salt & Peppa Guy and me, and we started talking.  He’s in college and wants to hang out with “experienced women.”  Said he had a lot to learn.  I was kind of tipsy myself so I said:  “well here’s my number.  call me and we’ll hang out!”

Ha!

Well that boy was on to something because he walked us to he parking lot and hitched a ride back to the hotel.  When he was going to get out of the car, he planted a kiss on each of our cheeks and offered to call a friend who would go out with us too.  Apparently, this friend is willing to be naughty, or so the cubby said.

So you see, the cubby got a lot more from us than Salt & Peppa Guy who actually left kind of mad and in a hurry because my friend and I were playing with the cubby.

I don’t think the cubby will call.  There was too much alcohol consumption amongst us.  But it is really funny for me to think how far I have come.  Two years ago, I would not even dream of dancing so freely at a wedding or even becoming a fledgeling cougar.

You guys have to watch this badly written and poorly acted “movie.”  It’s hilarious!  I promise I didn’t look or sound like that when I was picking up my cubby, and I do know how to use my “box.”

Look guys, no feet!

20 Sep

lululemon.com

I did it!  There has been progress made in my yoga class!  I achieved the tripod balance pose!  I am actually one step (or two) away from a complete tripod headstand, and I am ecstatic about this.  I feel daring, brave, accomplished.

Never being one to take risks or challenge myself  physically, I am amazed at the ease with which I went into the pose.  Lately, I have noticed that there is a lot more flexibility in my poses and I have been more confident in class.  I think the teacher also noticed this and so she started to coach me into the pose.  It took me three classes to achieve this, and I guess it will take me a little longer to dare to do the complete headstand, but I will do it.

This is new.  This is not the normal me.  It is actually taking a little getting used to on my part.  But it is exactly what I wanted when I decided to take up yoga.  And so, encouraged by the success of this little adventure, I have decided to expand.

I’ve said I want to find someone to love, but I haven’t been putting myself out there so that this guy could find me.  Yes, I have been crazy busy with work, and it has been physically and emotionally draining, but I still need to go out and meet people.  I don’t think there’s another way around it.  Cause, you know, Dear Universe can’t do everything by herself.

For the past two to three months I have been a member of a group on meetup.com.  I joined cause it sounded like something I could and should be doing, but I haven’t gone to any of the meetups that they have scheduled.  I feel too shy and self-conscious to go out with a bunch of people I don’t know, even when they have welcomed me into the group.

miprv.com

Yesterday I noticed that there is a new meetup scheduled for Saturday.  Without thinking much, I rsvp’d and asked for directions to get there.  Now I will have to go.  We will watch short films at a park by a lagoon, and later we will walk to a close by restaurant for diner.  It sounds doable.  I think I can survive this, but it makes me anxious.  I know I will debate whether I go or not the whole day on Saturday, but I have to do it, and I want to do it.

So guys, think about me on Saturday and send me a lot of positive energy.  I need all the help I can get to go and do this.  It is really more frightening than falling flat in my butt trying to do a headstand.  However, I will work on the headstand even if I know I will fall, and I will be more social even if my butt is too flat. ha!

This bitch has no business making it look so easy.

Changes

28 Aug

 

Not the coolest or most self-explanatory post, but this is how I feel right now, a little strange, a little different, and a lot blue.  A dearest friend has moved away and I’m feeling her absence more than I had anticipated, which was a lot.

 

Everything Changes

by Julio Numhauser

That which is superficial changes
Also that which is profound
the way of thinking changes
Everything in this world changes

The weather changes as the years go by
The shepherd changes his flock
and just as everything changes
the fact that I change it’s not in the least strange

The finest diamond changes its brightness
as it travels from hand to hand
the bird changes its nest
So does a lover change the way he feels

The traveler changes his path
even if this proves to be harmful
and just as everything changes
the fact that I change it’s not in the least strange

Changes, everything changes

The sun changes its course
to give way to the night
The plant changes and gets dressed in green
during spring

The beast changes its fur
the hair of an old person changes
and just as everything changes
the fact that I change it’s not in the least strange

But my love doesn’t change
no matter how far away I find myself
neither the memory nor the pain
of my country and my people

What changed yesterday
will have to change tomorrow
Just as I change
in this foreign land

Changes, everything changes

But my love doesn’t change
no matter how far away I find myself
neither the memory nor the pain
of my country and my people

Changes, everything changes

You like me, you really like me

23 Aug

I just got news that a dear friend of mine nominated me for the  “Tell Me About Yourself” award!  I didn’t know how to feel, how to respond.  I’ve seen these mythical squares on a lot of other blogs, proudly boasting about awards, but never thought of myself as worthy of any public recognition like that.  I wanted to know why.  What have I done to deserve this?  Who gives out this award?  What will I wear for the award ceremony?  Is there a red carpet involved?  Do I have to get a bikini wax? (I hope not, that shit hurts.)

Then I went to Mistress M’s page, as her message instructed, and got the idea of what this award entails.  Like her, I have to write a post outlining seven things about myself that most people wouldn’t know and then nominate seven more blogs for the award.  Her post reminded me of one I have been planning on writing for a while now, so I’m mixing the two and hope that they make sense to you.

This blog was born a little over a month ago.  It was conceived with the idea that I would be documenting my experiences while I look for love and it’s true meaning.  In the little time that I have been writing, it has evolved, taken a life of its own, and now I could not tell you exactly what it is.  This is my space for random ramblings, where sometimes I write to make sense of the silly things that happen to me.  This is the place where I became a writer again, after being everybody else’s everything for so long.

Caramelolimón has also become the doorway through which a lot of wonderful people have entered my life.  They all might be serial killers in their real lives (not you Mistress M, I’m sure you would have told us), but in the blogosphere they are spectacular!  I have found so many people that think and feel like me, people who make my mistakes and teach me to laugh with them.  There are people who write with their hearts on their sleeves and give me permission to go into their lives.  I’ve met strong women, unapologetic women, funny women, and they have shown me support and encouragement.

To all of you, the ones I have interacted with, and the ones I stalk from a distance, I need to say Thank You.  I also have to ask you all to never leave.  You know I have abandonment issues.

Here are the seven things you do not know about me:

  1. I am the only girl of four children.  My brothers and I all have a three year separation in between.  My mother is a pretty redhead with fine straight hair and a beautiful youthful complexion.  My father is dark skinned with coarse black hair and a nose that you’d have to see.  My brothers and I look like everything in between those two.   We are a funny looking family!
  2. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day.  I can skip any other, but not breakfast.  I almost always have the same: whole wheat toast, a boiled egg, and coffee.  Breakfast time is my me-time.  I get up an hour earlier just to make sure that I will be having breakfast all by my pretty little self.  I receive the Friday, Saturday, and Sunday newspapers at home and spread them out throughout the week to read with my breakfast, so I get my news two or three days later.
  3. I have gone through a sexual re-awakening in the past few months.  It hasn’t even been a year.  In these months I have let myself do more, enjoyed more, experimented more, and learned more about myself than I had in my 10 years of marriage.  True, I had a more steady supply of sexual encounters when I was married, but I feel like none of them were under my own terms.  I was always responding to his desires (Oh! A new post!).  On October of last year, I took a man to my bed.  I told him what to do, when and where.  There’s no coming back from that.
  4. Lately I’ve been feeling kinda out of place.  I feel like I’ve been living life on the settler’s lane.  I want to do something transcendental.  I want to be awed.  I feel like moving away to Italy.  I want to do the Eat Pray Love thing.  But I have a daughter that I can’t transplant anymore than I have done already, and I don’t want to leave her behind to live the life her father has chosen.
  5. I have been thinking of my influence in my community and of how to teach my daughter to love and care for her country.  This one is not easy to explain unless you are a Puertorrican from my generation.  In simple words, we are a colony of the United States.  More than half of our population wants to be a state and a very small percentage knows that we will never be one.  For years, the discourse has been one of assimilation of seeing ourselves as the weaklings, as if without the US we will not strive as a country.  I wasn’t officially taught to be proud of my nationality.  They wanted me to be proud of my American citizenship.  In schools, they don’t talk about our great people and our great strengths.  Our pride comes from within the small people, not from our leaders.  My country is living an identity crisis that has been going on for years.  I’m feeling the need to do something, to at least instill that love and pride in my daughter.  I have almost no time to write this blog, but the idea of another blog has been bugging me for some days now.
  6. I am the greatest sexter there ever was.  French Guy once described me as an intellectual sexter.  Ever since I discovered dirty talk, I have not been the same, ever.  I kinda wanna have a new guy, any guy, just so I can sext with him.  I do have a new  friend with whom I have sexted, and phone sexed, but that doesn’t count cause it’s just for play.
  7. I haven’t always felt beautiful, so I made up this list of features that I run through my head every once in a while to remind me of all the beautiful things that make me up:  beautiful eyes framed by long luxurious lashes, sexy luscious lips, supple gorgeous delicious breasts, and legs that have been known to awaken forbidden passions in unknown observers.  All of that, and other not so loved features make me what I am, which is pretty damn alive!

Whoa!  This post has gone on for way too long.  I also want to be freshly pressed, so I’m going to break the text with a picture of my freaking awesome legs in my favorite spot at the beach:

Oh, island life!

Here are the bloggers who I think are also worthy of loads of awards:

  1. http://confederacyofspinsters.com/ – I don’t know them very well, and they don’t know me.  But they are hilarious and I agree with a lot of what they have to say.
  2. http://onethousandsingledays.com/ – She is a superwoman with a great sense of humor and a very straightforward style.
  3. http://theseattletheory.wordpress.com/ – He writes from the heart, which is for the moment a little wounded.  I have never wanted to see someone I don’t know at all be as happy as I want him to be.
  4. http://egointhesea.wordpress.com/ – This kid is young, honest, and eager to experience life.  I may not always agree with his methods (case in point, his latest post), but he writes so openly that you have to love him for it.

I know it’s supposed to be seven, but in all good conscience these are the ones that I truly know.

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