The breakthrough that took me months to communicate

7 Jun

savasanaWhoa, guys!  Who would’ve known that keeping up with this blog while trying to keep my life together during these past months would be impossible.  It felt like a speeding train going off the tracks.  The thing is that it is still going on.  Cliffs notes are like this: I changed jobs and worked for three weeks when I suddenly had to leave and go back to my old job, which I lost back in April.  Koothrapali/Sheldon Guy vanished from the face of the earth.  I met Yogi Guy, who is 10 years younger than me.  Had a great time with him, but no sparks.  He is gone too.  Smoker Guy made an appearance, of which there is nothing to say.  I had a fall out with a close friend that hasn’t been resolved yet.

In the midst of all of this, I made a discovery that I was itching to share with you guys.  It came to me while meditating on savasana at the end of a yoga class.  I was considering my interaction with Koothrapali/Sheldon Guy, how I had told him that I did not want to be in a relationship, and how I felt about it.  More to the point, I was considering if I really felt like I didn’t need romantic love in my life right now.

Thinking of what one wants and what one needs, takes a lot of honest introspection.  I realized that I had been saying for quite some time that I wanted a romantic relationship, but that I really didn’t need it.  So, what did I want?  What did I need?  I certainly was in a quest for something.  That is what I told you guys.  That is the mission statement of this blog, right?

So, here is my discovery:  it turns out that I really didn’t need anything.  All the love that I was waiting for Dear Universe to drop on my doorstep, I had within me.  I thought about all the people in my life that love me so much for exactly who I am.  The thing is not that I have gained their love.  They can be here today and gone tomorrow.  The important thing is that I have the ability of gaining people’s love, and I can do it just by being me.  This can be replicated time and time again.  You see, I am missing nothing if I have this.

It may seem like a silly thing to come up with after a strenuous yoga session.  You guys must think that my savasana lasted like an hour.  Maybe this knowledge that I stumbled upon was common knowledge, but for me, it was a breakthrough.  It changed a lot of how I feel about myself.  It also changed a lot of how I interact with people now.  It has liberated me of expectations that were not real.

There you have it.  I did release Dear Universe of her responsibility of finding me a man.  I don’t feel like I would be good in a relationship right now, but that is material for an upcoming post.  I do, however, enjoy company, sex, and intimacy, which don’t necessarily have to come in the shape of a boyfriend.  For now, I’m getting it from Coffin Island Guy, a 29 year old cubby whose story I’ll share with you guys some other day.

cubby n me

Don’t we look cute?!!!

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