Are we in high school again?

8 Nov

First of all, I have to admit that my high school experience was not very “normal.”  I was a regular goody-two-shoes whose idea of a good time was practicing my clarinet solo during lunch time.  It sounds lame, I know, but I was proud of being different and naive and nerdy.  I had a group of dear friends that were exactly like that too, so I didn’t feel like I was excluding myself from anything.

It wasn’t until I got to college that I learned that there was drug use and kids having sex in my high school.  So I guess you could say that I skipped those years of peer pressure to have sex and do drugs.  And it’s not that my life changed so much during my college years too.  I was still different and naive and nerdy, only I had a college degree, better shoes, and my own car.

I still consider myself kind of a naive person, and I am still definitely different and nerdy.  But I have learned a lot about myself and about life.  I have done a lot of introspection, and I am specifically working on studying what I want from life and who I want to be.  I feel that this is what adults should do, you know, to find themselves and to better themselves.

So when yesterday I was turned into the butt of a joke because I’m not “getting any” by some coworkers I hang out with I was really taken aback.  We were having a workshop yesterday and there was a lot of tension in the atmosphere.  There’s always tension when we have meetings, but yesterday it was through the roof.  So I sat with this group of girls with whom I always have a good time, and were making jokes amongst ourselves and trying to lighten the mood.

I don’t even remember what I said or why, but all of a sudden the joke was that I’m not getting laid and that it “shows in my eyes.”  It kind of rattled me and I think it showed (I’m not very good at masking my feelings).  What the fuck do they have to care if I fuck or not?  Yes, it is true, I’m not getting any, but I choose to believe that that is because I’m learning that no company is better than bad company.

One of these girls was telling me the other day that she can’t be without someone.  She always has to have the option of calling someone up and get company.  That conversation made me think.  I really asked myself, can I live without someone all the time?  My answer is yes.  I like being on my own, making my own decisions, and doing only my own laundry.  I can choose on which side of the bed to sleep on, and I choose the middle.  I can always invite someone in, but it is only on my own terms.  Yes, I would like to have someone I could call up and tell him how my day was.  I would like to have someone who would be willing to rub my feet or run to the store and get me cookies.  But I will not settle for just anybody to give them that job.  Also, I have tried the casual fuck and, although it can be exhilarating, I don’t think that’s what I want right now.

Yesterday I kinda felt like the fat kid being bullied, and somehow I wanted to go out and fuck the first willing body I found just to prove them wrong.  That feeling lasted for just a second.  After that, I realized that that was just high school behavior.  Something that they will grow out of.  I don’t have to go out and fuck anybody just because my vagina is virginizig itself again.  There will be someone worth doing it with, either for fun or for love.  But I will choose that person and that time on my own terms, kinda like I have always done.

Yes, P!nk, I know I’m fucking perfect!

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