I’ve no time to age now

3 Sep

It’s here.  The signs of aging are starting to show.  I know it because I don’t have to shave my legs if I want to wear shorts two days in a row.  It used to be that I had to shave the morning of if I wanted to show off my gorgeous gams.  Not so much anymore.  There are also lines on my face that don’t diminish when I stop laughing, and let’s not talk about the nails!

In school I was one year ahead since kindergarten.  I was always used to being the baby, both because I’m petite and because I was always the youngest.  I had never had a hangup with my age.  In fact, I loved birthdays and always made a big deal about mine in particular.  That all stopped after college, when I realized that no one gives a crap about me being a year younger.

I started to feel cranky about people calling me what could be considered the equivalent of ma’am in Spanish (usted).  I was no longer referred to as the “girl,” I was the “lady.”  It all was made worse by my oldest brother who, in an effort for making me snap out my mid-divorce depression, warned me that I was already over 30 and shouldn’t waste my time crying over spilled milk.

This is such a fun birthday party dress! (gap.com)

Three months ago I celebrated my 36th birthday.  Two weeks before the event, I had an epiphany and decided that I wasn’t going to feel sad and depressed about my age.  I decided that I wanted to feel happy and vibrant and young at heart, so I started acting like a happy, vibrant and young at heart 36 year old woman.  For the first time in my life I organized a birthday party for myself.  I reserved a spot at a very cool place and invited a lot of very nice friends to party with me.  I bought myself the cutest birthday party dress and even prepared handmade decorations for the party area.

That night was one of the happiest that I can remember in recent times.  Friends that I hadn’t seen in a long time showed up.  There were hugs, laughter, and free guava sangría, aside from the presents.  Oh, and what presents did I receive!  They gave me jewelry, a bag… a sex toy.  You would think it weird for a friend to give me a sex toy as a birthday present, but you don’t know how weird our friendship is, so it was a very fitting gesture.

Every girl should have a mindful friend with excellent taste in gift giving.

From then on I’ve had a very carefree attitude towards age and what it represents.  I’ve been happy and proud of being a fabulous 36 year old single gal.

That was until last night.  Last night I went to the theater with my gay friend J.  It should be inconsequential that J is gay, but I have to say it because that has shaped his views in a very different way than mine.

We grew up in the same town, and we both had the same kind of upbringing and schooling.  He embraced his sexual orientation while in college and that has formed his character as some kind of a rebel.  He just doesn’t think that he has to conform to society’s expectations of him in any area.  He is a respected, responsible and successful member of society, but he is all of that just because he chooses to, not because it is what is expected of him.

So J and I were seated waiting for the show to start, and I started to interview him.  He is in a relationship with a very intelligent, caring and funny man.  They seem to be happy and committed to each other.  Since it looks like he has it all figured out, I wanted to know what he thinks love is and if he feels that all relationships have an expiration date.

I wasn’t very satisfied with his take on love.  It seemed too utilitarian for my romantic inclinations.  He feels like they both fill a void in each others’ life.  There is love and happiness, but if the relationship were to end he would be understandably sad, but he will go on with life.

It’s funny how I understand why he feels that way.  He’s had a lot of experiences that have helped him mature and be ready for a more grown up relationship.  His answers got me thinking about my own maturity versus my age.  I was surely not mature enough when I got married, and I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do at my age.

If love is not what I thought it was, and my expectations about relationships are not realistic, what do I know now?!  I’m starting to doubt if I was ever in love.  What if we got married just because he was there and I was there?  And, really, that question is inconsequential, the important question would be how can I discern between real love and the rest.  I should be old enough to know, but I still feel like I know nothing.  I just hope that I can figure this thing out before the boobs find their final resting place at each side of the belly button.



2 Responses to “I’ve no time to age now”

  1. tlf September 8, 2012 at 9:03 pm #

    Ok, Ive read two good posts. Time to follow you.

    • caramelolimon September 9, 2012 at 1:24 am #

      Thanks for visiting and following my blog. Stay tuned!

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