Man-order addendum

21 Aug

A little part of me. The luscious, yummy, freaking hot part of me.

Dear Universe, remember the order I put in for a very specific man?  Well, I’ve been thinking about it and it just so happens that I need to add some important items to the list of specifications.

How could I forget to ask for an agnostic man?!!!  Maybe it is because of all the years of catholic indoctrination that my subconscious decided not to remember such an important detail.  Most of my adult life I’ve lived in a kind of limbo in relation to religion and spirituality, which by the way, was part of the reasons given by my ex-husband for our parting of ways.  For years I have refused to define what it is that I believe in, or not, but the important thing is that I have neglected that spiritual side that I’m supposed to be nourishing instead.

After my divorce, I started to wonder about God, and religion, and spirituality.  I even thought that if I said I believed and tried real hard to imagine a supreme being who controls my destiny, I would find solace and a new direction in life.  I went as far as to blame my not believing  in God for the failure of my marriage.  In a letter I wrote to my ex, I (now regretfully) wrote these words:  “had I let God into our family, it wouldn’t have failed.”

Now, looking back, I can see how desperate I was to not loose my marriage.  I was willing to make myself believe in something that my heart can’t accept.  Now that I’m back to normal, I relish the opportunity of finding a kindred spirit who will not make me feel guilty for not believing that a man-made construct is watching over me, while thousands of babies die of hunger and thirst around the world.

I also want a bilingual man (a polyglot would be even better).  I’ve told you guys about my fixation with English speaking men, but let me explain further.  Here in my corner of the Caribbean our native language is Spanish.  Because of a very complex and hard to explain relationship with the United States, we are taught English as a second language in public schools.  But the thing with us Puertorricans is that we are stubborn and don’t want to completely assimilate the American culture, so most people usually do not become bilingual even after 12 years of English classes in public school.  The fact that I am highly proficient in English without ever having lived in the US is astounding to most people.

I believe that I have a special ability for acquiring language, and that has also set me apart from a lot of people.  When your are completely bilingual, your thought process is different.  To acquire a language, you have to also learn the culture from whence it came, so bilingualism has opened up other worldviews to me that not a lot of people have been exposed to.  To say it more succinctly, I am a weirdo and I’m looking for a weirdo man to be weird with.

So there you have it, Universe, you can add those two items to the list and keep in touch with me.  I might have to make further revisions to the order in the near future.  For the moment, keep working on finding me a man, like asap.  It has become kinda hard to get into some of the yoga poses without imagining other hard things in the vicinity of certain parts.


4 Responses to “Man-order addendum”

  1. giveheadandheart August 21, 2012 at 4:27 am #

    Oh Caramelolimon, how I love thee posts! I went through a similar struggle with regard to religion, and I feel as though I’ve overcome it, an amazing feeling. There are plenty of hard, flexible and agnostic men in your future…I can just feel it, and it’s not Baldy 🙂

    Mistress M

  2. giveheadandheart August 21, 2012 at 4:29 am #

    Meaning…I’m not feeling Baldy…or maybe I am? Too much wine, my friend!

    • caramelolimon August 22, 2012 at 1:48 pm #

      Oh Mistress M, I have to tell you that lately I have been feeling a strange attraction for baldies or shaved heads. I think it is because they tend to look kinda dangerous, and if they have a tattoo, I’m lost!

      BTW, You cracked me up with your drunken comments!

      • giveheadandheart August 22, 2012 at 5:04 pm #

        I’m sorry about that…Baldy and I were sharing a couple bottles of wine and a bath, which is the usual situation when I read your blog and harass you. Bald guys are the best! They have the most testosterone production, which explains the loss of hair. It’s scientific fact 😉 My Baldy isn’t dangerous at all, he wears pointdexter glasses and superman t-shirts with flipflops…but he’s dangerous in the bedroom and that’s all that matters 🙂

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