On the pitfalls of being a hoarder

6 Aug

It’s funny how life arranges things in a way that makes you face whatever it is that you are trying to push away.  In a previous post I mentioned a great truth uttered by a dear friend.  He said that my continuous search for the reasons why I have been dumped by certain guys is just a reflection of my still wanting to know exactly why my ex-husband left me.

After 2 1/2 years of separation, extensive therapy, and several other men in my life, I would have thought that the answer to that question was not important anymore.  At the time when he informed me of his decision to leave, I did not understand the reasons he gave me.  I was too wrapped up in my pain and disbelief.  After a while, I think I stopped listening to whatever he said and started making up my own alternate reality.

I had always been a “till death do us part” kind of woman.  There was no other possibility for me but to be married to him for the rest of my life.  I saw my own parent’s marriage and thought that if they had made it through, we certainly could.  I mean, after ten years of marriage, I still felt butterflies in my stomach when I thought of him.  I idolized him.  In my eyes, he could do no wrong.

When he informed me of his decision to leave, he was cold and unemotional.  I never saw a tear or a glint of doubt in his eyes.  However, I wanted it all to be a nightmare so much, that I kept thinking that he would come back.  He said that he didn’t love me anymore.  I was sure that he did.  He said that he could not even think of trying anymore.  I could swear that this could be the one time when it all would work out.  He said that he didn’t trust that I could change what he wanted me to change.  I changed everything about me expecting him to notice, and he never did.

All that therapy helped me to accept that maybe I would never get an answer to my question.  I learned to start seeing the best of my new situation:  I was a young, professional woman, with an extended family supporting me, with a great job, a good apartment, and an incredibly brilliant and witty daughter.  Starting life all over would be difficult, but I was already equipped for it.  So, I started to appreciate my new life.  I learned to love being single.  I realized that I have complete control over my life, and that was thrilling.  I occupied both closets in my bedroom and felt like everything was in place in my life.

Well, the thing is that that “everything was in place” was more figurative than literal.  I have always been kind of messy.  I even have a dresser drawer where I put important papers, postcards, and every bit of odds and ends that I think I need to keep.  It is my hoarder drawer.  Yesterday I had to go through it looking for a document that I need for my daughter’s vaccination, to which I have to go tomorrow.  Riffling through payment stubs, birth certificates, college transcripts, and old student’s handmade cards, I found the letter.  It was a letter he wrote to let me know he was leaving me.  I had kept it all this time, I have no idea why.  Immediately I thought of my question.  I thought that the answer was there, in that paper, and that maybe now that my head was clearer, I could understand.

I debated whether I should read it again and relive that painful moment.  I considered if it was important now when I know I wouldn’t want him back even if he begged.  I thought of him being married already.  I thought of myself and the excitement that I feel when I think of all the possibilities that lay ahead of me, and I realized that my question has been the wrong one all this time.

I may never get a satisfying answer to the question of why he left me.  Maybe he doesn’t even know, but I need to put it to rest.  Whatever the reason why, the fact is that what’s done is done.  He moved on with his life, and I am moving on with mine.  I do need to know what I will do differently from now on.  I do need to know what I will be willing to put up with and what I won’t let fly.  Those are the questions I have to be working on.

I didn’t read the letter.  I put it in with a bundle of other things I needed to throw away from my hoarder’s drawer and put it in the trash.  After that, I promised myself no to let so much shit accumulate in any of my drawers.

 

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3 Responses to “On the pitfalls of being a hoarder”

  1. giveheadandheart August 6, 2012 at 4:53 am #

    Sometimes you’ll come across those things and it’s the “right time” to read over it and reflect. Usually, you will find that those times are when you are content with everything that has happened. You will be. Maybe not now, but sometime in the near future. I have to be honest, I like listening to your journey through all of this.

    Mistress M
    http://www.giveheadandheart.wordpress.com

    • caramelolimon August 6, 2012 at 9:58 pm #

      It’s actually funny that I expected the process of getting over it to be linear, but I find that my being “content” kind of ebbs and flows. I think part of me is resisting the urge to let go, because if I do, then no one is going to care about the hurt that I had to go through.

      I can’t thank you enough for your comments and likes, I appreciate it beyond words.

      • giveheadandheart August 7, 2012 at 1:40 am #

        You are doing so awesome 🙂 I will continue to support you, because I love people willing to be open and honest about themselves. I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts!

        Mistress M
        http://www.giveheadandheart.com

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