Soñar no cuesta nada

3 Aug

This is a saying in Spanish that loosely translated means:  dreaming is for free.  The connotation is that you can dream of anything, even if it’s impossible in reality.  People tell you that when what you are thinking is considered as impossible.  Lately I’ve been thinking about this saying and asking myself if there will be a price to pay for all the dreaming that I’m doing, and I mean daydreaming.

You see, the thing is that there is a recurring dream that doesn’t want to go away.  I’m daydreaming of a guy that I thought was long gone from my mind (and heart if I dare to say it).  We dated even before Smoker Guy.  He ended it way before I was ready to let go, but I honestly thought I was over whatever that was.  It turns out I might not be.

I met French Guy and was not overly excited about him at first.  I liked him, enjoyed his company, and had a lot of fun, but at the end of the first date, I thought we would end up as good friends.  The second date changed it all, though.  You don’t get to meet a lot of French guys in my little corner of the Caribbean, and a French guy who will let you take him on a road trip to your favorite place while translating French songs for you in the car will do weird things to a girl’s heart.

Everything after the second date was a fast, passionate, sexy, incredibly crazy whirlwind.  He became my teacher, and me an avid learner.  He taught me about wine while pouring a fruity peachy sparkling one down my neck and meeting the tingly stream with his mouth in between my breasts.  He taught me about food by smearing truffle oil on his lips and sensually kissing my lips, my neck, my chest…

I became a primal, sexy bitch eager to learn and explore all my sexual possibilities.  I had sex with a man only thinking of my own personal satisfaction for the first time in my life.  It felt awesome!  It was liberating.  I was not self conscious in the least.  I couldn’t believe that I had been keeping myself from this experience for such a long time.  At one time I even felt a nostalgic sadness for the boy that married, and divorced, me cause he never knew this other woman.

Unfortunately, I’m also learning that nothing lasts forever, and this experience lasted only too little.  He ended it with an excuse that I don’t really care to go into right now.  Aside from all the crazy satisfying sex, I also learned not to leave anything for later.  That sexy dress that he would have ripped from my body, and I left for wearing later, he will never get to see.  I don’t really care if he sees it or not, but I really wanted to have it ripped away from me.  So from now on, I will give no second thought to what I want, relationship-wise.  I don’t want to feel like I missed on anything anymore.

Evidently, I am still unable to let go of that dream.  I don’t admit it to anyone, but I constantly remember the time I had with him.  I secretly wish to bump into him, and I go over the conversation we would have: (insert French accent here) “Chérie! How are you?  I’ve missed you so much!  Life has been dull and uninspiring without you.  I painfully regret breaking up with you.  All this time without you has made me realize that my purpose in life is to be your sex slave for ever and ever.  Will you consider giving me the tinniest chance of making it up to you?”  This will all be said in frantic desperation, and I will need to say not a word.

The problem with that dream is that I realize that I haven’t learned yet that when someone doesn’t look for you, they don’t miss you, and when they don’t miss you, they really don’t love you.  So why am I still dreaming of this man when it was his sorry ass the one that didn’t want to have this sexy ass every which way he could have wanted?  I know that daydreaming about him is stopping me from moving on.  I know I have nothing else to look for with him.  Intellectually I know that he doesn’t even deserve my thoughts, but emotionally I still kind of wish for that encounter to happen.  I guess that now I know that this daydreaming business is really not for free.

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5 Responses to “Soñar no cuesta nada”

  1. egointhesea August 3, 2012 at 6:10 pm #

    I don’t agree with your conclusion he doesn’t love you. A person can love without missing, and miss without searching (and vice versa on both of these). You are probably right about him not wanting the relationship again, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t look back on you fondly (and maybe even daydream).

    • caramelolimon August 3, 2012 at 11:21 pm #

      I don’t see how one could love without wanting that person with you, but I do believe that you can miss someone and make the decision of not searching for them. In fact, I have dreamed of conversations where he says that he didn’t look for me because he thought he would hurt me more (I had a very dramatic response to the breakup). Like you say, I will choose to believe that he does remember me fondly, because I believe that I’m a pretty awesome sex partner 😉 BTW, thanks for reading and commenting, I appreciate it!

      • egointhesea August 4, 2012 at 12:58 am #

        There are different kinds of love, and I believe each bond has a unique mixture of these kinds of love. The really passionate kind (sexual) would probably force a person to chase after their ex, but the other kinds are very blissful and pleasant. They can also be a little sad (longing), but if the person knows (or think they know) that chasing would lead to more pain or something, then they are perfectly capable of resisting this temptation.

      • caramelolimon August 5, 2012 at 12:41 am #

        I think I get what you are saying. I am, after all, just learning about love. However, I think it’s not healthy for me to continue wishing and hoping for something that will not happen.

      • egointhesea August 13, 2012 at 3:34 am #

        Yes, that’s definitely true. I wish you the best in trying to change this 🙂

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